i have this dream...

6th June 2010

It’s pretty impossible and seems ridiculously silly at times.

But I want to say it. I want to write it down for someone else to see and read and know.

To begin with, in complete vulnerability, let me say that over the past few weeks I have felt God doing such a deep, hard-core, intimate and intentional work in my heart. If I could attempt to describe it to you I’d have to sum it up in as few words as follows:

‘I feel as if my Saviour is exploding inside of me’.

Not only have I been humbled to the point of complete knee-on-the-cold-floor-at-4am-surrender but I have been supernaturally strengthened with a faith for the absolute impossible. There is a surreal determination in my heart to make this life of mine count. For Jesus Christ to be Glorified through me. I have, for as long as I can remember, identified with and cried out the words of that Switchfoot song, ‘We were meant to live for more than this’.

However, at the very same time, I have messed up, I have made huge skrew-ups, I have been apathetic and mediocre, I have slipped into the background and, on too many occasions to count, I have passed by opportunities with a nonchalant ‘next time’ attitude. I have blatently ignored situations, placed my agenda above the cries of hurting people and I have become so consumed with business in this city - that all I care about is ending work at 4pm so I can go gym, make supper and ensure I get my sacred 8-hours of sleep.

Yes, there is grace.

I don’t live under condemnation.

But I want more.

Yes, I have also faithfully applied myself where I can. I still do. That gentle and consistent plodding…

But I want more.

Am I the only one? Surely someone else must feel this too? That strength of desire for ALL that God has for me. That adrenaline-pumping radical excitement that threatens to consume me if I don’t just do or say something to someone right now…

Martin Luther once said: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

He wanted more.

So what is my dream? It is completely unlike what you would perhaps imagine. Deep inside me is a dream. This dream has been hidden within me for 6 whole years now. This dream is to preach. The dream is to stand in a public setting/ forum and preach to hundreds, if not thousands. This dream is to tell of what God has done in and through my life. This desire runs so deep within. Sure, I’m a girl. Sure, I’m young and don’t carry years of experience or knowledge. But I want to preach. I want to stand up in the centre of town, on street corners in Johannesburg, on the top of the stairs at my gym, on my flat balcony in Dunvegan. I want to stand up in restraurants, at movie theatres, in shopping centres, at major intersections and traffic lights, in hospitals, at petrol stations, in schools, varsities, homes, gardens, offices. I don’t really care. I just want to preach. I want my lungs to literally ache from speaking. I want my heart to surge with my Saviour’s desires/ longings/ hurts. I want to share this truth that I carry. I want to do whatever it takes. I want to be bold enough to be fully obedient at any moment of any day or night.

How can I explain?

I want to make a change in this city. I want to see the drastic, the impossible, the scary, the extreme. I want to see lives changed. I want to see more than one-on-one coffee conversations, gradual processes of building relationships, the awkward moments of meeting unsaved people. Yes, those things are GOOD and God’s kingdom is being established. I will never stop doing or being a part of those interactions. But I want more. I want to be more. I want to live more. I want this life to count for more than this.

Don’t you?

In the words of John Wesley:

‘I set myself on FIRE and people come to watch me burn’

Enough.

Tuesday 11th May 2010

I went for a run this morning – to Blue Bend Beach (in East London), and felt so liberated. At one point – running up the hill – I was going against the wind, and it was strong and I felt like giving up, but I didn’t. In my mind I think it is so much like our lives. Life can bring such difficulty our way, and hard times are inevitable, but God knows how much we can handle and he knows our capacity. I am deeply comforted by the fact that he will never give us more than we can handle… even though we may think differently when we are in the midst of it.

There have been moments in my life when I have questioned God. I can tell you, in all honesty, that three weeks ago, on a rainy Sunday night, after church, I drove to this high point in Joburg – overlooking the city. It was very misty and not entirely safe but I was desperate. I parked my car, stood on this wall and literally screamed out to God.

I shouted and asked him all the questions I felt were threatening to consume me.

I tried bargaining with him. I tried threatening him.

I tried shouting till my throat and lungs were sore.

Nothing seemed to work.

So I stood there, with my hands in my jeans pockets, my grey hoodie pulled down over my face and glared out onto the beautiful city lights whilst a gentle rain poured down. I was angry. I was frustrated. And now, to top it all off, my best friend, my mighty Saviour was not answering me…

And then, as if wanting to surprise me, I felt his presence.

I heard him whisper into the depths of my heart.

So soft. So soothing. So stunning.

He took my breath away.

And I just stood.

Like a toddler who had just been disciplined for the first time, I felt the ache of a rebuke, yet the overwhelming, unconditional, understanding, joyous love of Jesus Christ flood over my heart and soul.

I stood there for what seemed like forever, wanting to soak in his presence.

And then I quietly walked back to my car, got in, and drove away.

I didn’t have any clear cut directions.

I didn’t have any neatly packaged answers.

But I had his presence.

And in that moment, at that time, on that night…

It was

enough.

1 Kings 19: 11 – 12

“The Lord said, ‘Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.’ Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but he Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave…”

definitions. and. misconceptions.

So as I sat silently in my seat, staring out of the window of my (very delayed) flight back to Joburg today, I thought about how I would describe or define myself to an absolute stranger… or someone who (for some random reason) demanded to know everything there is to know about me. And as I began to think, I began to realize that this…

…this could get complicated.

i am 25 years old. i am 1.7 meters tall with dark hair, blue eyes and my dad’s frame. i usually enter a room pretty conservatively (unless I know you) and i usually analyze a situation before taking part in conversation. i love creativity and try to explore that as best i can in how i dress, how i talk, how i act, how i live.

i enjoy the simple things in life like… watching sunsets, sleeping-in on a saturday, writing letters, having coffee with friends, listening to new music, introducing strangers, amarulla without ice, running till my lungs ache, going dancing with a quality crowd, pretending i am a different person for a day, having a hot bath on a freezing cold joburg evening, encouraging where i can, exploring new places, just-out-of-the-washing-machine clean clothes, being absolutely crazy, hoodies, my mom’s cooking (of course), speaking in public, staring at cute babies who give you attention, drawing with charcoal, surf shops, making people laugh, holding someone’s hand, being healthy, knowing God’s voice, being on time, talking on the radio, sporadic opportunity, reading a book you just can’t put down, Phil’s rusks, giving people frights and then laughing my head off, the beach on a perfect day (without wind), thinking out-of-the-box, singing in my car, waking up and knowing i’ve had 8 hours of sleep, wearing bright colours, foot massages, high mountains, minimalistic styles, having faith.

i love dreaming of the absolute impossible. dreaming it will becoming a reality. i have ridiculously comical things that happen only to me (about once a month). i like to think i’m pretty independent but i know that i truly do need those around me, friends and family. i unintentionally come across as hard-core sometimes but i have a pretty soft heart. i know i can love others well and that is something i am practicing. i am secure and strong. i analyze a lot. i am often misunderstood. i see things differently to most (perhaps this is partly due to my being raised in a small town). i have an opinion but i will always listen. i am constantly changing. i know this life we get to live is short… so i desire much more. i hope for so much more. i live for so much more.

There is one last fact about me that you have to know:

i am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Jesus Christ, my Saviour.

without him i am none of the above.

without him i am

nothing.