6th June 2010
It’s pretty impossible and seems ridiculously silly at times.
But I want to say it. I want to write it down for someone else to see and read and know.
To begin with, in complete vulnerability, let me say that over the past few weeks I have felt God doing such a deep, hard-core, intimate and intentional work in my heart. If I could attempt to describe it to you I’d have to sum it up in as few words as follows:
‘I feel as if my Saviour is exploding inside of me’.
Not only have I been humbled to the point of complete knee-on-the-cold-floor-at-4am-surrender but I have been supernaturally strengthened with a faith for the absolute impossible. There is a surreal determination in my heart to make this life of mine count. For Jesus Christ to be Glorified through me. I have, for as long as I can remember, identified with and cried out the words of that Switchfoot song, ‘We were meant to live for more than this’.
However, at the very same time, I have messed up, I have made huge skrew-ups, I have been apathetic and mediocre, I have slipped into the background and, on too many occasions to count, I have passed by opportunities with a nonchalant ‘next time’ attitude. I have blatently ignored situations, placed my agenda above the cries of hurting people and I have become so consumed with business in this city - that all I care about is ending work at 4pm so I can go gym, make supper and ensure I get my sacred 8-hours of sleep.
Yes, there is grace.
I don’t live under condemnation.
But I want more.
Yes, I have also faithfully applied myself where I can. I still do. That gentle and consistent plodding…
But I want more.
Am I the only one? Surely someone else must feel this too? That strength of desire for ALL that God has for me. That adrenaline-pumping radical excitement that threatens to consume me if I don’t just do or say something to someone right now…
Martin Luther once said: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”
He wanted more.
So what is my dream? It is completely unlike what you would perhaps imagine. Deep inside me is a dream. This dream has been hidden within me for 6 whole years now. This dream is to preach. The dream is to stand in a public setting/ forum and preach to hundreds, if not thousands. This dream is to tell of what God has done in and through my life. This desire runs so deep within. Sure, I’m a girl. Sure, I’m young and don’t carry years of experience or knowledge. But I want to preach. I want to stand up in the centre of town, on street corners in Johannesburg, on the top of the stairs at my gym, on my flat balcony in Dunvegan. I want to stand up in restraurants, at movie theatres, in shopping centres, at major intersections and traffic lights, in hospitals, at petrol stations, in schools, varsities, homes, gardens, offices. I don’t really care. I just want to preach. I want my lungs to literally ache from speaking. I want my heart to surge with my Saviour’s desires/ longings/ hurts. I want to share this truth that I carry. I want to do whatever it takes. I want to be bold enough to be fully obedient at any moment of any day or night.
How can I explain?
I want to make a change in this city. I want to see the drastic, the impossible, the scary, the extreme. I want to see lives changed. I want to see more than one-on-one coffee conversations, gradual processes of building relationships, the awkward moments of meeting unsaved people. Yes, those things are GOOD and God’s kingdom is being established. I will never stop doing or being a part of those interactions. But I want more. I want to be more. I want to live more. I want this life to count for more than this.
In the words of John Wesley:
‘I set myself on FIRE and people come to watch me burn’